If your thing is girls with big tits and shaved heads we never would have worked out, why string me along for three months?

New favorite thing: When I upgrade and an ex-flame downgrades. It makes me feel twice as good about myself.

My most significant relationship was with someone who was an absolute perfectionist. He put so much pressure on me to go into a career path I didn’t want, to look beautiful all the time, and to impress his friends. He had really high standards, and everything about him was pretty much perfect because of this — except about a month into us dating, when it finally got warm out and he started wearing flip-flops to the beach with me, I realized that he had one toe that was shorter than the others.

I don’t know why but it gives me so much satisfaction when I think about him or I miss him because he was “perfect” and then I remember that little toe. It’s that little reminder that there really is no such thing as perfection. And as many good qualities as he may have had, it’s honestly my favorite thing about him because it reminds me that he was still real.

… and he didn’t put the toilet seat down. I can see it from here. Who wants to place bets on whether or not he urinated all over my bathroom?

I thought I had experienced the weirdest/worst of the dating scene. Then tonight happened.

On Friday I was introduced to a friend of a friend. Super good-looking, intelligent, and he’s a fucking librarian. DO ME.

On Saturday we met up with a few friends at a bowling alley/bar, kissed in the parking lot, and that was it.

Today I had a housewarming party from 4-7 and then everyone at my house left to go to a real restaurant and eat real food. He (and his friends) were invited, yet never showed up.

At 11 pm, this guy says he wants to come over. Which is awesome, because I’m wiped out from working on stuff all day and I’m on the first day of my period (which is the worst) so I figure that it’ll be cool to have a quiet night in and get to know each other and watch Arrested Development or whatever.

He shows up with two of his friends, and all three reek of booze. The two friends tip over a chair on top of my dog, drop my phone on the floor, and are in general really loud (I live in an apartment and my neighbors are all sleeping) so I ask them to stop. They do, and get the “hint” that I want to just be alone with this guy.

So the friends go “Hey, _______, we’re going to leave so you two can enjoy your night,” and he stands up from cuddling me on the couch and goes “I’m going to come too,” then looks at me and says “You’re a bitch, you haven’t been nice tonight at all and we don’t feel welcome here. Don’t call me.” and walks out of my house.

So let me get this straight — this dude comes over to my “party” five hours after it ends, I have health problems involving chronic migraines and low blood sugar and anemia on top of cramps, and he flips his shit because I don’t want to get wasted with them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION?

I have seriously never felt that disrespected. Ever. And he behaved like that in front of his friends! I can’t even imagine what could have happened to me if I were alone with him and mentioned that I didn’t feel well — a punch to the face?

Is it really that much to ask to find a single someone who is average-looking with no alcohol problems, no anger issues, and above-average intelligence? I wasn’t even LOOKING to meet someone but I thought I had gotten really lucky. Turns out that when something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

At least my laptop doubles as a heating pad.

Appreciate the irony…

I’m on a dating site. Again.

I just got a message from a guy (well, a novel, actually) telling me all about the activities that he enjoys. Camping, bonfires, rock climbing, repelling.

Repelling.

Consider me repulsed.

I know he meant rappelling, and if you’re going to talk about doing an activity please learn to spell correctly.

"I’m not a ‘what if’ kind of person, I’m a ‘could have, but didn’t’ kind of person."

I know everyone has that person, the one they spend their entire lives comparing everyone else to.

Do they touch you like that person used to? Do they care about you like they used to? Do they talk to you the same way? Do they ask about your mom?

And then there finally comes a day when you realize that it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. It doesn’t matter if whoever you’re dating now holds you the same way or asks you the same questions when you get home from work. It matters that they’re holding you in general and that they’re there when you get home from work in general, because the person you’re comparing them to ISN’T.

The person that touched you, cared about you, talked to you, and maybe asked about your mom isn’t there anymore. There’s no use in comparing everyone else to them and asking “what if” all the time because the fact of the matter is that you have someone else.

Relationships should be exclusive of the last. I don’t want the guy I like wishing that I kissed him like his ex, or that I had her C-cups, or that I liked taking it in the ass. I don’t want to be compared to his ex, because she’s part of his past for a reason.

Basically just stop comparing all the new people you date to someone who isn’t part of your life anymore for one reason or another. You could have been with them, but you aren’t. If you’re always living in the past, you can never progress with anything new.

Just my piece of advice for the night.

xox

On another note, a dude I once french-kissed is now dating a Hooters girl.

I feel so awesome about myself! Seriously! It’s not even the fact that she wears next to nothing for a living (because I would totally support him if he were dating a well-educated bikini model or something) but she portrays herself as being quite stupid, flipping off the camera in every frame, etc.

Recap of the latest crazy story in my dating life.

In December of 2011, I met a cute boy. He added me on Facebook and clearly had a serious girlfriend. I didn’t even attempt to talk to him.

Fast-forward to February of 2013. I notice that he’s no longer in a relationship and work up the courage to ask him out for drinks. On Valentine’s day we had our first date, which turned into dinner and drinks and kissing in the parking lot.

Our second date ended in mediocre (read: bad) sex in his house with three other roommates. In the morning I realized that one of his roommates is in fact the same girl he had dated for two years, though he insisted that there was nothing between them. (except a bathroom and a hallway, of course.)

I brushed it off and continued seeing him for two weeks, at which point he informed me (via a text) that he wanted to make me his girlfriend. I hesitantly said yes. The same day, my dog died. Heartbroken, I asked him to come over and comfort me. He declined. I dumped him in a text message, which was totally appropriate given that our “relationship” was only a few hours long and began via text as well.

I told him I was more than willing to continue to hang out and get to know each other and give it time, since two weeks wasn’t enough time to decide on a serious relationship. He actually didn’t attempt to talk to me or hang out again.

What I’m wondering about is if he wanted to be all official and stuff after two weeks why he wouldn’t want to continue to get to know me after I said that. If he supposedly cared enough to make me his girlfriend after two weeks, why wouldn’t he continue to try?

I’m not really looking for an answer here, just telling y’all bloggers out there that you’re not the only ones weird stuff happens to. And your stories are welcome here.

Anyway. Goodnight.

That awkward moment when OkCupid matches you with your cousin…